I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
