I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
