thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
