Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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