I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
