i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
