I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
