Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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