well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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