Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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