When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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