I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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