Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Oh god it's open bar.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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