i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
