Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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