Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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