I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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