your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
