the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
