my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
