booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
either way he was missing a nipple.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
