She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
