whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
