You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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