its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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