I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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