areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
