Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
