96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
