Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
