I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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