Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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