good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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