Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
