He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
