I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
