They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
