he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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