his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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