Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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