Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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