my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So much rum. So many feels.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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