Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
