Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
