the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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