naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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