NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
