At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
