Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
