sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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