I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
