I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
