He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
